I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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