I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize