the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
