She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
