just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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