please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
