we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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