My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
someone owes me an orgasm
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
