You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
