Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
