i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
