someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
