So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize