life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
