my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
