dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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