For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
