i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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