I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
