you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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