don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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