I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
