If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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