the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
