I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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