Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
