you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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