don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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