My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
