her vagine was all disorganized.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
