Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
it was like eating out sand paper
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
