I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
