I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
