I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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