3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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