Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
