Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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