Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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