Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
