don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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