it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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