I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You've changed since you got that strap on
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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