omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
