my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
