After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
