Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
