dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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