I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
