No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
