i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
