My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
