He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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