dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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