Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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