I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
