Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
