Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
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