My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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