Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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