I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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