Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
