I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
