He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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