these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
