i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Randomize
