Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
