I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
